#IamStacieMac

Maybe its silly to say, but I am a different person than I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, and maybe even 1 year ago.  I know for sure that the last several years have changed me.  I am stronger and have learned to not sweat the small stuff.  Maybe it’s because I’m adequately medicated….who knows?!  What I do know, is that I value every friendship and time spent with those friends, along with my family.  I tend to look at things differently because life really is just straight up too short.  What I have found in the last few months, is that “John’s friends” are getting to know ME a little better.   I hate saying it like that, because I have never felt like we had a separation of my friends vs his friends, it has always been our friends.   I will say that HIS friends were a hard group to crack 15 years ago.   All those yahoos have been friends for like 30 years.  I feel like it is not normal, but at the same time it is amazing for people to stay so close over that many years, and probably the reason why our support system has been so amazing.  I am a good 5 years younger than anyone in the group, so we didn’t have many common friends, and times when we hung out seemed like an endless loop of high school and college stories.  What I am trying to get at is that John had a pretty big personality, and it was easy for me to somewhat get lost in his shadow.   I never REALLY felt that way, but I feel the difference for sure.   I LOVE all of our friends, and I loved hearing some of the crazy stories 5 or 6 times and seeing the smiles it brought to his face.

In the last 9 months, I feel like this group has gotten to know ME.  Gotten to know me as Stacie Mac, and not just John’s wife.  I apparently don’t have a small personality, and am blessed to be included in things just as I was before.  Not that I think they were gonna just ditch me… but I suppose you never know!  I mean, I have been told that ending our friendship is one friends new years resolution!  #howareweevenfriends   I am blessed to get to spend time with these friends.  I also love that I have been able to make new friends, friends that knew John for a short time, and friends that I have met since he passed, and only get to hear stories about how amazing he was.  My life has been nothing short of a shit show for the last 9 months, and it is comforting to me to get to share a part of myself, and my crazy life with some pretty amazing people.

I find that I have somehow taken on some of John’s personality.  Ask me a question, you will get an honest answer.  Sometimes there will be sugar coating, but most times not.  I put things out there, that maybe I wouldn’t have previously.  Maybe I share too much at times, sorry about your luck.  Its all part of me trying to settle into my new life.  A new chapter.  A new beginning.  It’s sometimes terrifying, even as time passes.  I talked with a good friend of my mother in law’s last week, and she said to me, “God’s got big plans for you, kid.”  Yes, yes He does, a new adventure awaits, around a corner somewhere.  A new adventure that I will take as Stacie Mac, and not as John’s wife.  Let’s just hope this new adventure is one that doesn’t require me to be strong enough to bench press a Buick.