#OneYear

Five years ago today, my life was changed forever.  Five whole years ago, we heard the words, “Stage IV Mantle Cell Lymphoma.”  My heart sank, and I was basically numb for about 4 days.  At the time, I wasn’t a professional caretaker, or cancer expert like I feel like I am now.  All I realized at that point, was there wasn’t a Stage V.  It turns out that Lymphoma’s and Leukemia’s are staged differently than say, a tumorous cancer.  Pretty sure we learned that after the second relapse…….I also know that its a terrible idea to google a diagnosis.  For real, if for some horrific reason, you find yourself at an oncologist, ask for an explanation and treatment options…DO NOT GOOGLE IT!

At that point, we had no idea what was ahead of us.  We thought, hey, 6 months of chemo; one and done.   Why would I ever think that Captain Go Big or Go Home would be a one and done type of guy?!?  We chugged through, the good days and the bad.  I learned to care for someone else, and to take care of myself along the way.

I had no idea how I would feel a year after John’s death.  I could never imagine where the last year has taken me.   I know without question, that when forced to make that terrible, terrible decision one year ago, that I, with the help of our parents, made the right decision.  John was so crazy full of life, I could’t imagine him never doing the things he loved.  There would have been no more concerts or baseball games or wrestling with our friends kids.  Hell, VERY likely wouldn’t have been able to live at home, IF he made it through.  We very likely would have spent several more months living in Chicago.  I know that what happened was all part of Gods plan.   God’s plan for John, and God’s plan for me.  I may never understand WHY He put cancer in our lives, or why He took John so soon.  I do know that for some crazy reason, God wanted to make me stronger, and that He gave me this life because I am strong enough to live it.   (I have seen this quote SO many times lately, but don’t know where it came from!)

Looking back over the last year, there is a lot that likely wouldn’t have happened, or would have happened differently if John were here.   I had SO MUCH more time to spend with friends and family.  I had opportunities to make some new friends, and know that they would have loved John, just as much as everyone else.  I got to take 2 trips to the beach, which likely wouldn’t have happened otherwise.  I bought super comfy new furniture, mostly because I don’t spend time in the basement by myself.  I soaked up plenty of vitamin D over the summer with almost weekly trips to a pool.  And lets be real… I would have never gotten my car!

The thing that is most important to me, is that I have been included with Johns crazy circle of friends, as if nothing ever happened to John.  I mean, yes, its obviously different but I always feel welcome and included, and they get to see Stacie.   Not John and Stacie.  I feel like the love that everyone had for John has somehow shifted to me, and for that I’m incredibly thankful.

I can’t forget to include my buddy, Mason.  This kid has the biggest heart of any kid I know.  (and I have a few important ones in my life!). Somehow, someway, he can always sense when I have had a rough day, and he makes me a picture at school and can’t wait to give it to me when he sees me!  You guys, he is FIVE!  He told his mom he makes me pictures because John died.   He is very matter of fact about the situation, but it is mind blowing to me that he gets it.  The crazy thing is that he really only met John a handful of times…. last seeing him when he was THREE!  That kid will be the one to take care of me when I’m old!

I don’t know how I’m going to feel tomorrow.   I have forewarned my boss that I may be a hot mess, and I left a decent amount of work for tomorrow, so that I can be distracted.  I know without a doubt, that I have SO many places I can go tomorrow night if I want to hang out or need a distraction or a hug. While I am still picking up the pieces, I will forever remain #BLESSED.