#blogknowsbest

Holy Smokes…. Here I am on a Sunday afternoon, iced coffee in hand, Alexa playing some Luke Combs (b/c I love him!) on a sleep in Sunday, b/c not waking up to an alarm gives me life!  I haven’t felt super compelled to blog this year, apparently, and I’m not sure why.  Maybe I have just gotten through the shit, and have embraced MY normal.  Maybe I have forgotten what an outlet this thing is….and when life got real cray this week, I feel like I need it…..who knows.   At any rate.. here I am , blogging it up!

I am feeling the heat of being 1 and 2 months out from my first ever fundraisers for Illinois CancerCare.  I am pumped to be getting the golf outing filled up, and actually feeling sort of organized for Totes for Ta-Ta’s, but know there is still a lot to be worked out.  If you know me…. I know this will all fall into place…. but I am still a stressor-outer that things aren’t going to go as planned.  I know that in the end, when I can write fat checks to the cancer center, that it will all be worth the stress!  I can’t even express what a blessing it has been to be able to coordinate these events.   I know that John would be SO proud of me for getting out of my comfort zone, and giving back to a cause that is so close to our hearts.  I can’t wait to make #lymphomaisaloser a real thing…. a legit non-profit….but must wait til Fall/Winter because I’m gonna need to actually focus on the plethora of paperwork that that is going to take!

Work has gotten extra crazy lately, which I am happy about….busy is always better for me.  But it reminds me how this last year has been without Rob.  Death-aversary is always a struggle for me…death-aversary week actually, bc even if it isn’t on my mind directly, its back there somewhere and sneaks up on me.  Tomorrow will be a year since we lost Rob, my work bestie, and roommate of 6 1/2 years.  Also this week is the 2nd death-aversary of losing my Momaw, and a reminder of what a mess 2017 was for me.  This week brings up SO many great memories, and it’s those that push me through the extra stress of work getting busy, fundraiser planning ramping up, and just general life crap.  While it frustrates me that Rob is no longer here to help pass the time on the slow days, and that I can’t just shout across the office to get a quick answer about something, surely to get a snarky comment back…….It makes me giggle when I think about our stupid “slow day” shenanigans, like hallway bowling with highlighters and a stress ball, or the time we took a bunch of pics with a cardboard cutout of Albert Pujols and put them in a frame in Brian’s office.  My Momaw didn’t even know who I was the last few times I saw her….”but she sure is pretty,” kind of offset the heartbreak of hearing someone who you spent your entire childhood at her house, say she doesn’t know you.  I try to remember how lucky I was to get to spend that time with her….how I felt more comfortable telling her I had gotten my belly button pierced than telling my mom, how she loved my joining her for Tuesday Chinese lunch…. how she altered my wedding dress, and made my wedding cake.   I’m most thankful for getting to help her make Randi’s wedding cake, and how that sparked me to bake on my own when I had time.  All in all, this week makes me realize what its like for other people  on the anniversary of John’s death in January.  All of the memories that it sparks, and things that they wish that they could have told him, had they had the opportunity those last few months.

Grief is a part of life. It’s a giant asshole, but there is no escaping it.  I feel like there is a standard grief, and then there is the grief of a widow.  The extra things that are required as a spouse, and certainly a widow with children.   As if I didn’t have enough to do in my free time…. I recently started a secret FB page for local widows.  Just a place for us to share experiences and lift each other up and is totally judgment free….It’s crazy how other W’s just get it.  There was no-one for me to compare notes with after John had passed, and my hope is that those who aren’t as far along in the W life as I am will be able to find some sort of hope that things WILL get better or maybe easier, once you get through the storm of an initial passing.  Look, if I made it through 2016-2017 without going 2007 Britney, these ladies can make it too!

All in all, I’m still feeling Stronger Than a Fifth of Whiskey on most days.  I’m at a point in my life that I realize that reciprocated relationships are so very important.  I have always been honest to a fault, but I think that is even more true these last few years after losing John.  If you don’t want my real opinion…..don’t ask!   I realize I am totally blessed to have relationships that have gotten so much stronger over the last few years.   I don’t take a single second spent with my favorite kiddos for granted.  I know that while I don’t have John here, I have them to take care of me when I’m old!  (ok, mostly Mason, b/c that kid just gets it).  I love it when the kids want to share a funny story, or try to make me laugh….which isn’t a hard task on most days, and is normally exactly what I need on a rough day.  In turn, I feel as though some relationships have fizzled over the past few years….and that’s ok too.  Life changes for everyone.  Sometimes life gives you lemons and you make lemonade…..sometimes you add some vodka to that shit!  I recently read a book, “The Hot Young Widows Club”, and one of the chapters ends with “not every relationship will survive this death.”  It resonated with me, like that’s ok.  I always have said that certain things happen for a reason.   I try to find some sort of silver lining.  Life isn’t perfect, and I sure as shit am not either.  Life events change people….some for the better, some for the worse, and sometimes its shaken up and there is a mix of emotions.  Sometimes you need to wade through the negative nellies like “hold my beer, let me show you how it’s done” and you channel the negative into a positive situation.    And sometimes you bite it in front of a fancy restaurant and skin your knee like a 4 year old.  (yes, that really happened…..gracefully, I’m told). It happens…. life happens….its a natural occurrence for people to phase in and out of your life.  It’s refreshing to spend time with newer friends, but it doesn’t mean that the older friends won’t always have a place when you need each other either.  All in all, in the year of Stacie, I have Just. Kept. Livin the best way I know how.