No nothing crazy has happened….its just fresh in my mind after talking with several friends this week, and when it hits me…I share!  There is really nothing in life that is easy.   I mean, yeah, ya really don’t have it bad when someone else is feeding and bathing you as a child….but in adulthood, its not easy!  Work is hard, school is hard, marriage is hard, being a good friend is hard, caring for someone is hard, cancer is hard, grief is hard… you get the picture.

No matter how hard it is, you push through…… at least in most cases.  Yes, there are high school and college drop outs, there are failed marriages and friendships, and as I have said, care taking, cancer and grief sure as hell isn’t easy.    Things happen in life, and every person has their own view on how to handle it.  Do you throw in the towel immediately?  Or do you try to push through?  “Things” doesn’t have to mean something life changing.  It can be simple.  I had to parallel park TWICE in the last 2 weeks…..but I did it.  I’m a terrible driver….just ask Rob Oliver.  And no my car can’t park itself.   The point is… I could have parked elsewhere and walked in the cold, taking the path of least resistance….but I didn’t.

John could have went through his cancer journey asking for help at every opportunity, but he didn’t.  He, well, WE, chose to handle things the best we knew how, and we did it together.  Was it easy?  Negative.  Would it have been easier to ask for others to take care of things for us?  Of course.   We didn’t go through the journey alone, and for that I’m thankful, but we did things for ourselves as often as we were able.  Was it hard at times? You betcha.  Pushing through the hard times made us stronger and brought us closer together.  It made us value our time together, even on the hardest days.

The point is, I’m the first person to not want to get out of my comfort zone.  I would far rather take the path of least resistance, and avoid the “hard stuff”.   Hell, if I hadn’t done something hard, and interviewed for a new job….I’d still be having the life sucked out of me at Menards.   Well, I take that back.  John’s cancer battle would have left me unemployed if I didn’t have the flexibility to go to appointments and work remotely when I needed to.  As I have gotten older, and throughout this last year, I have learned to push myself more.  Take the steps to move ahead through the hard times, and face situations that are less than pleasant, and certainly not easy.

No matter who you are, there is something in your life that is hard.  Some situations are harder than others, but if you face that situation as best you are able, THAT is what counts.  It might be making a hard decision, having a hard conversation, telling someone terrible news (I promise that is as hard as it gets), or something as simple as freaking parallel parking.  In the grand scheme, if you don’t jump the hurdle, whatever it might be, you are doing yourself, and in some cases, someone else a dis-service.  Only you can face the hard things head on….take the bull by the horns….and hope that your decision to do so works out for the best. In my experience, if it doesn’t work out exactly as you have planned…..the experience, the decisions you make, the words you choose, and the final outcome makes you stronger.   How strong?  Stronger than a Fifth of Whiskey, duh.

 

 

Before I met John, I thought I went to a lot of concerts.  It turns out, maybe that wasn’t the case!  John and I had multiple discussions about how we actually had very few common interests.  Other than the part where he trained me to drink draft beer because it was cheaper than raspberry Stoli and Sprite….our major common interest was concerts.  John would see anyone in concert once…….I conned him into going to Kenny Chesney once, and only once.   He vowed to never do that again.  Apparently for some reason a bunch of women singing off key wasn’t his thing.

Back in college, my brother introduced me to music by a band called O.A.R.  We went to their show at the Madison (oy, does that make me old?) and I loved them, and Crazy Game of Poker even more!  When John and I first started hanging out… he had an O.A.R cd in his Jeep, and later it was the first concert we saw together.  For our Anniversary one year, he framed the concert ticket, and the CD cover.  Over the years, we saw ALOT of concerts.  We saw O.A.R probably 10 times together, yet he refused to let me get HEYGIRL on my license plates.  (No, I didn’t get it for the new car….but it was my second choice!)

There’s something about music, song lyrics, and just the experience of LIVE music that can make a bad day a little brighter.  I’m sure everyone has a song that triggers a specific memory, maybe the first time you heard it, or a specific lyric that resonates with you.  The first time John and I heard “Better Together”, we KNEW it needed to be our first dance.  I can’t hear Alabama’s “Mountain Music” without thinking about my Momaw playing it in the car when I was a kid.  If you ever saw John at a concert…..he was in his element.  If you ever saw John at BB Kings restaurant, that was John in his element times 10!  When you are at a concert for some reason you can just unplug, sing, dance, and maybe have a beer or two (that’s my limit after the ZBB incident) without judgement, because if you are lucky, you are with amazing people who are just as into the music as you are!  Speaking of ZBB, I remember when John first heard Chicken Fried.  We were at Kouri’s, and I’m fairly certain we were drinking a cold beer on a Friday night when he Shazam’d it, and it soon became a favorite.  It was one of his favorites to play on a juke box… and actually I still text Nate when I’m out and about and hear the song.   John had played it at Hoops one St Patricks day, and Nate thought we were all lunatics for dancing around singing it!  Side note….I learned a few months ago that Hoops is good, even when you haven’t been drinking half the day!

I have mentioned before that I think its important to spend money/time on experiences, rather than “things.”  I have been to some AMAZING shows.  Yes, I have seen some bands multiple times, but there are many that were a once in a lifetime experience.  We saw Madonna at the United Center, and I’m fairly certain that John bought the tickets at Bergners on his lunch break.  We saw Elton John simply because I was attempting to buy tickets from my phone in an effort to score Mumford and Sons tickets the next day.   I was unsuccessful for that Mumford show, but rate Elton John at the top of the list!  U2, Beastie Boys, Aerosmith and Run DMC sing “walk this way”, The Eagles, Blues Traveler, Shania Twain, No Doubt, and of course Dave Matthews Band, plus countless others.  I’m going to run through a few examples of concert memories……because you can’t really make up some of these experiences.  John, Brad and I went to Chicago to see Jack Johnson…..the car got TOWED and we spent roughly an hour trying to get to the towing company when we finally decided to just get a cab.   The cab dropped us off about 3 blocks from the venue.  (insert the emoji of the girl shrugging her shoulders)   We went to see Eric Church, simply because John wanted to see the opening band, Blackberry Smoke.  We actually left early because John wasn’t really digging Eric Church, but this gave him the opportunity to meet some of the members of Blackberry smoke, and have them autograph their CD and take a pic with us.  Back to the whole Zac Brown thing, we are 90% sure we were roofied that night.  We basically drank for 5 hours BEFORE Zac Brown started, with the only food consumption being nachos and mini corndogs.  I wouldn’t really recommend it, and when we saw them again, I had one beer, so I could actually enjoy the show!

In the year of firsts, I knocked out a concert without John in the first week or so after his passing.  Brad and I went to see Blackberry Smoke at the Limelight here in Peoria.  I was deep in the “What would John want” phase, and I knew he wouldn’t want me wasting the tickets.  In fact, the concert was on the day that we held John’s service.  At any rate, this guy was super excited that his favorite song was being played, and he accidentally elbowed me in the back somehow.  (at least that’s what it felt like). He apologized profusely, while double fisting his beers.  He offered “you can hit me back, just don’t let your husband do it” referring to Brad.  After the third time or so, I said he’s not my husband……then he started in on “don’t let your boyfriend hit me.”  Finally Brad realized that he was talking to me and we started laughing.  He ended his apologies with, “well if he’s your best friend….my phone number is….”   Whaaat?!   Did I somehow get hit on the day we put John to rest?   It was crazy…..straight up shitshow story there!

This all being said, I may or may not have tickets for 8 different dates in 2018.  Concerts were a part of my life before John, and they will continue to be moving forward without him.  I will cherish the memories from the shows we saw together, and make new memories seeing ALOT of country music next year!  I have always been a fan, but Johnny rarely let me in charge of the radio…..so I have listened to far more country music this year than in years past, simply because I can.

I have known that I wanted to blog about concerts, and there is one song lyric that I heard a long time ago that I was thinking about this morning.  I switched the radio station just in time to HEAR THE SONG!  It was a sign that I MUST blog about concerts!!  The lyric is from a Bob Marley song; “one good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain.”  Its true!   A song, or live music in general can trigger so many feelings, and I never once have regretted spending money to have that experience, or taking the time to travel to see a show or three.  I’m so excited to get to introduce my love of concerts to some of my favorite kiddos next year too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

You guys! While my computer situation has been getting sorted out, Eric Shane has stepped in as a guest blogger! I feel like it’s gonna be a thing, so let me know if ya wanna give it a whirl!

So one day while texting Stacie, I asked her if I could “guest blog” sometime. I mean I have a lot of thoughts and ideas, and I feel like how hard can it be to write some of those thoughts and ideas down for others to read? Well turns out that just coming up with a single thought or idea is difficult enough let alone writing intelligently about it. I think I am better communicating in gifs now. If you haven’t played that game, give it a go! You can have hours of stupid fun with it, and really is there any better fun than stupid fun??? Anyway first of all, nice work Stacie on being able to do this like you have! Secondly, I am not quitting my day job anytime soon to sit in a Starbucks with a laptop giving my two cents about topics. Also, not even sure if people blog on laptops? I feel like Johnny Mac could have been an amazing blogger, or podcast host. He was well known for having useless information. He was the Cliff Clavin of useless information! This was a self-proclaimed definition of himself. That brain of his held a plethora of knowledge, opinions and comments on almost every topic. He was always my number one pick in trivial pursuit partners, and would definitely be my first pick for a “phone a friend” if I were ever to need on a game show. And if you put a few Bud Lights in him, then that knowledge seemed to flow through him a lot easier! I cannot count how many times in college we would sit in his dorm room discussing music, movies, sports teams, even what the best type of snacks to eat were (which his opinion then was Teddy Grahams dipped in frosting). After college, those discussions moved to my kitchen table, just knowing the right topic to bring up or comment to get him really going into his “Tourette’s Rant” about sports, what in the world this city was doing, even what to put on a hot dog (telling him that ketchup on a hot dog is amazing would send him into a blue cursing streak that would make my dad, Joe Pesci, and a Navy Seal all blush).
So being on the wrong side of 40, I tend to think back to the “good times” with friends. Memories like those always pop into my head. I mean I could write books upon books of stories of myself and my friends while in high school, college and beyond. I don’t know if those would be technically memoires because people under the age of 21 should not read them. But they are funny and entertaining, at least to me and my friends. I mean we have our go to stories when we meet new people or have new people that we introduce into our big circle of friends. Everything from Johnny Mac falling down his stairs after an afternoon out drinking and coming home and deciding to do laundry (I mean I know laundry is the first thing I think of when I have been drinking for four or five hours), to Taylor and I actually meeting and drinking with Chris Chelios and John Cusack. These are all the stories that we have all shared so many times that we don’t know what is the truth and what we made up to make fun of each other about the story. Those are what we sit around laughing to tears at and with each other. It is what probably others that sit around us in public when overhearing us must think to themselves, either these people are hilarious or they are insane and should not be allowed in public. Everyone has these types of stories with their friends. It is probably what I cherish the most about my friends. We have the ability to laugh at ourselves and each other.
Also one thing that I always will remember, that I never really paid attention to before, is after John passed away and we were at his celebration of life, how many people came up to me to tell me how lucky we are. We are lucky to have such a big group of really close friends. It is what I have always known, so I really didn’t know any different, but thinking about it that is really true. I have been friends with the same core group of people for so long that I barely even remember life before them. I am truly blessed to have all of them in my life. We have been through a lot together and my hope is to go through a lot more together.
So the one thing I wanted to make sure I tried to get across in my first blog ever is cherish your friends. Don’t let petty stuff stand in the way. Life is short so let those things roll off your shoulders and forget it. Learn to laugh at yourself and each other, because when looking back, those are the things that will make you giggle out loud in an inappropriate place and time.

I have not forgotten about this!  My computer is currently at Best Buy getting assessed because it took a crap!   So, here I am on my iPhone blogging in the waiting area at the car dealership.

As we finish up what people call the “year of firsts” I am still focused on being Thankful.  Not just because tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but it’s a good reminder to share what I am thankful for this year.  I know that this year has been a total shit show, but I still try to find the positive, mostly because that’s what John would have done.

I have mixed feelings on this whole “first” thing.  I feel like the year of firsts is already over.   Last year, John spent thanksgiving at University of Chicago, but insisted that I come home to spend time with my family.  I spent Christmas Eve with my family as John was in the nursing home, and then he was admitted to OSF on Christmas night.  In reality, I spent those holidays without him by my side.  I didn’t open Christmas gifts until after he had passed, so we ultimately didn’t spend that time together.

Somehow I still remain thankful.  I’m thankful every day for the time that I had with John, sick or not.   I’m thankful for the awesome people in my life, that wouldn’t be a part of my life, had John not been in it.   I’m thankful to have spent our first anniversary after he had passed doing exactly what we always do on St Patrick’s day, boozing all day with our favorite people.  I am thankful to have spent both of our birthdays with family and friends.  I’m thankful that I got the first concert out of the way on the day we held his burial service.  (More on that later! 😂)

Most of all, I am thankful for the amazing memories that we have after 10 years of marriage.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of something funny or crazy that happened or a story he would tell, laughing hysterically!  I’m sure he’s looking down and shaking his head at me because we now know who leaves the toothpaste in the bathroom sink!  😳  Even though we all know I’ve been a tad of a shopaholic lately, I very much value the time and money we spent on experiences and the related memories.  I’m pretty certain I can’t tell you what I wore to any memory that was created by attending an event, or what item I received for my birthday.   I can probably tell you something about most of the concerts we attended though.  You can’t take the moolah with you!  Spend it like ya got it!  (Ok, don’t take that advice)   I mean, I can make it rain concert tickets……like, for real.   (Don’t worry, I have a whole blog planned about concerts!)

Ultimately, I am thankful for this life, and blessed with amazing people to share it with!!  I am stronger than I could ever imagine, and while I would literally live in a cardboard box to have John back, I am thankful that I have slowly adjusted to life without him.  After all, ya gotta Just Keep Livin!

As a side note, we may have a guest blogger in the near future.   I don’t even know if that’s a thing, but I also didn’t know if people would actually read my rambles!  You’re welcome!

Well, I’m pretty certain we’ve got the strong part down!  Can I say I’m experiencing true happiness right now?  Meh….  I’m not necessarily UNhappy.  I’m just still navigating life.  When John first passed, and even since, I have had some very awkward questions asked of me, or maybe even statements made.  I think people just don’t know quite what to say.  “You’re so young, you will get married again”  Ummm ok, probably up to me, eh?   “Are you going to keep  your house?”  Well, I had the house before I had the fella, so yeah.   “Have you ever considered adoption?”  I think my parts still work, but adoption has never been something I have ruled out.

Honestly, where I’m going with this, is to me being happy will likely eventually include someone else.   Its super fun to watch baseball games all summer, but its far more fun to watch them with someone else.  I love hanging out with my friends, but I don’t necessarily want to be the 3rd, 5th or even 11th wheel.  To be clear, I know NONE of my friends would EVER make me feel like an extra wheel… but still.  I’m not saying I’m ready to date, at least I don’t think I am.  It sounds terrifying really.  Yeah, I was proud of myself for getting some digits a few weeks ago, thanks to my friend Tito…….but I wasn’t seriously looking for anything!   It was more of a challenge.   A challenge that was accomplished while still wearing my wedding set.  At any rate, what does one do with a phone number?   I mean, I haven’t ACTUALLY dated in 15 years!  All I can remember is one specific instance that was terrible, and John made fun of me because of it!  We will circle back to that.  (If John and I had a first date, it was lunch at Olive Garden, probably after a night of drinking, and he forgot his wallet in the car).  Do people actually call on the phone?   Do you text the guy?  Is there a magical timeframe that is too soon, or too late?  So many questions…. I mean, I don’t even think texting existed the last time I was on a date.   And I was far younger then, obviously, but now, at 37, the whole situation sounds completely miserable.   None of that sounds happy to me!

Back to the terrible date…. I was probably 22, and went to dinner with this dude.   We sat at Texas Roadhouse as he stared into my eyes and said “You’re so beautiful” about 5 or 6 times.  I’m serious…. I mean, once is enough yo!   I’m clearly a catch, but geez.  Not only that, but he called me, like an hour after he had dropped me off from said date.   Uh, nope, peace out dude.   Fast forward to February, at Johns celebration of life…..one of my friends with mad stalking skills took a picture of a fella she thought looked familiar, but she couldn’t think of his name.  YOU GUYS… it was Texas Roadhouse dude!  After some research, ie facebook stalking…. there is no possible way he knew John.  None of the friends that I have in common with him on Facebook were any that John was friends with….. or maybe like one mutual friend.  I have no clue why he was there…. but I seriously can’t make this shit up!

Let’s not confuse this as some announcement that I’m ready to move on.   I’m not sure that’s the case.  I mean, if my grandpa can date at 79…I should be able to at 37, right?  I’m by no means ready to forget about John.   That will never happen.  And yes, I know that some mystery man has ginormous shoes to fill…….if there could even be a comparison to Johnny Mac.  I’m not necessarily ready to seek out someone, but if something came up, as terrifying as it may be, I wouldn’t rule it out.  Hell, I’m not even sure I have the free time to date…. I’m pretty popular, ya know.  I’m certain there will be varying opinions on the situation, and that’s just fine.  Nobody can tell me when I’m ready, or when an appropriate amount of time has passed.  However, John and I discussed that if the time came that he was gone… he wanted me to be happy.   One thing is for certain, when Mr Happy comes along, he will be getting a full panel of bloodwork and a PET scan before anything gets remotely serious!  But after that, I shall proceed with caution!

 

 

Ok, lets just go ahead and put this out there.   Who actually enjoys this whole “Daylight saving” crap?  It isn’t even listed on my Caterpillar issued calendar, I feel like that makes it unofficial.  Am I the only person to wake up in a panic, even though I didn’t have to be anywhere until 10:30ish?  There are 2 clocks in my bedroom, my phone was on the charger in the computer room, and I STILL had to check the clock on the stove to figure out the REAL time.  Let’s not forget about how it totally throws me off for a good 3-4 days, so if you see me before Thursday, sorry if I’m a crank!  Also, I will give one dollar to the person who figures out the clock in my fancy new car.

Speaking of fancy, I recently purchased a refill cup from Dunkin Donuts.  I kinda have an iced coffee problem, and I’m pretty sure when I see the doc tomorrow, I’m gonna puke in my mouth a little when I get on the scale.  I mean, apparently the skim milk doesn’t totally outweigh the caramel swirl.  At any rate, I was talked into the fancy super insulated cup by one of the drive through girls, who may be able to make my drink simply by the sound of my voice.  (they don’t have drive-thru cameras like Starbucks)  The cup was $15, and then a “refill” is ONLY $1.  Basically, I’m saving almost 2 bucks….every.  single.  day.   At any rate, the cup is AMAZING!  Dare I say it would keep ice longer than my pretty Yeti?!  Pretty sure it will.   I know this, because I have left it in my car overnight on more than one occasion, and only once did I return it to the drive thru with a fly that was belly up.

On one of my trips to Dunkin, I passed by the lagoon.  Well, I pass by the lagoon with every trip, but anyway.  One of the questions John and I always asked each other, is “do the people who fish the lagoon ACTUALLY keep and eat the fish they catch?”  I feel as though they shouldn’t.   But my new question, is does fishing the lagoon require camo?  Now, I loved camo before loving camo was a thing.  I’m borderline obsessed, which really doesn’t help my shopping problems since it’s all “on trend” this fall.  Anyway, more than once I have seen a dude, in full camo, which must not be very good by the way since I can SEE him.  But does that mean the fish can’t see him?  Don’t you need camo in the woods, not at the lagoon?  I’m baffled.  It’s probably some sick joke John is playing on me.

Ya see, my life isn’t all sadness.  I have legitimate concerns about life.  And for today, I shall leave you with this……..How does one gracefully eat a caramel apple?  I ate one last night, and it was NOT pretty.  I was so embarrassed, and I was at home alone.  #caramelonmynose

 

 

I suppose I should provide an update on what this year has been for me.   First and foremost, clearly losing my husband wasn’t how I anticipated spending the first month of the year.  I spent February drown in the required paperwork after a person passes.  Lots of accounts to close out, bills to pay, and documentation to provide.  You guys, if you don’t already, make a will, set up POA paperwork, just get it done.  In my case, it wasn’t terribly difficult, but stressful, nonetheless.  My biggest challenge was waiting a month for the benefits center to find 3/4 of John’s 401K!  Like, it was kinda missing.   Thank God he still got those annoying paper statements, you know, the ones I had a pile of stacked in the spare room.  I escaped with my Aunt, Uncle and cousin in March with a trip to the beach.   I totally unplugged, but was smacked with reality when I got home.  Toward the end of April, I realized my anxiety was taking over.   I had been on anxiety meds since John was first diagnosed.  I’m a worrier, and I come by it honestly!  I had just been to the Dr, and she had suggested a med change, but I declined.   I ended up spending most of May in a pile of anxiousness on my couch.  It took several tries to find the correct medication and the correct dose.  It is miserable to go through, but now I can function 1000 times better.  Anxiety and depression is the real deal folks.  I have seen a counselor for nearly 4 years, and have also required medication.   For awhile there, I was fine with John being gone, (not like fine I don’t care, but fine as in it wasn’t hanging over my head), but it was the normal life stresses that was killing me.   Like my body didn’t quite know how to handle it.  Oh, hey, work is busy, or oh shoot, I have to remember to get these bills paid.  For the love, I was in retail management for 10 years!  That shit changes a person…nothing should stress a person out after doing that job for so long!  At any rate, I’m not some superhero that’s “doing really well, considering.”  I’m a normal person who needs crazy pills to function.  No biggie.

The next obstacle came about in early June.  My brother CALLED me.  We have this weird relationship where we will go months without talking, or we will hang out quite a bit.   The last several years has been especially weird though.  Way too much for this blog, but I will say, he distracted me nearly every time John had a procedure, or was hospitalized in Peoria, and for that I am extremely thankful!  At any rate, we hadn’t spoken for some time when he called, rather than text.  He told me not to freak out, but…….Yeah, you are right, I immediately freaked out…..he had to have a biopsy done b/c there was an enlarged nodule in his lung. AS IF this is news I needed after losing John, to a disease that effected his lungs!  On July 18, ironically, 6 months after Johns passing, I sat with Nate at the surgeons office, where we learned how his cancerous tumor would be removed.  He had a successful surgery in August, but they had to removed the upper left lobe of his lung, and that’s exactly where I tell him I will punch him when he pisses me off!  HA!  Before I continue, I’m not by any means happy that Nate had to go through this, but what I am happy about is that it brought us closer together again.  I had missed the snide comments and back and forth bantering far more than I had realized!

While Nater was in the hospital, we lost my grandma to dementia.  I realize I am VERY lucky to at this point be 37 years old, and still have 2 living grandparents.  The timing was just unfortunate.  Not that there is a right or wrong time for someone to pass….but it was especially hard with everything happening in the same week.  Let me just plug in here that my grandfather had “reconnected” with someone from his youth, and SHE was relocating to an apt with my grandpa.  I get being lonely…my grandma had been in a nursing home for probably 4 years, she wasn’t herself for a long time.  I’m glad he has someone to go on walks with and go to a movie or whatever 78 yr olds do.  It’s just hard to think of someone literally moving in on my grandpa!  I seriously can’t make this shit up!!!

Our latest thing is with John’s mom.  Today she came home from the hospital after 6 weeks of being inpatient with a viral infection, causing encephalitis.  She has extreme aphasia, and gets super confused.  She knows what she wants to say, but can’t find the correct words.  Several people have reminded me that Cathy isn’t my responsibility per se.  I get that, I do.  I’m a complete control freak and I’m well aware of it!  What I may not express is that I’m keeping a promise.  A promise that I made to John EVERY time he got a new diagnosis.  Every time he was upset along his journey it was because he was worried that I would leave his parents if something happened to him.  Well, that and he also worried about leaving me.   But in this particular situation, I’m keeping the promise I made to him regarding his parents.  We have quite the road ahead of us, but we will get through it.   Even if we require a “who’s alive and who is dead” chart.  Yes, its a daily event that she isn’t quite sure who is still living and who has passed.   She’s quite frustrated that she doesn’t remember, and its miserable each time she asks what John is doing.

Here’s the thing, this year has been insane.  I feel like my life is a made for TV movie at times.  The things that happen I couldn’t make up if my life depended on it!  My advice to you, is don’t wait for cancer, a cancer scare, a death, or a horrible infection to make you realize how precious life is.  Don’t wait until your life is such a shit show that you just want to hit some sort of reset button.  Don’t dwell on what has happened, but put on your big girl pants and put one foot in front of the other and be thankful for what you have, and look forward to better days ahead.  And for the love, JKLIVIN !!

Maybe its silly to say, but I am a different person than I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, and maybe even 1 year ago.  I know for sure that the last several years have changed me.  I am stronger and have learned to not sweat the small stuff.  Maybe it’s because I’m adequately medicated….who knows?!  What I do know, is that I value every friendship and time spent with those friends, along with my family.  I tend to look at things differently because life really is just straight up too short.  What I have found in the last few months, is that “John’s friends” are getting to know ME a little better.   I hate saying it like that, because I have never felt like we had a separation of my friends vs his friends, it has always been our friends.   I will say that HIS friends were a hard group to crack 15 years ago.   All those yahoos have been friends for like 30 years.  I feel like it is not normal, but at the same time it is amazing for people to stay so close over that many years, and probably the reason why our support system has been so amazing.  I am a good 5 years younger than anyone in the group, so we didn’t have many common friends, and times when we hung out seemed like an endless loop of high school and college stories.  What I am trying to get at is that John had a pretty big personality, and it was easy for me to somewhat get lost in his shadow.   I never REALLY felt that way, but I feel the difference for sure.   I LOVE all of our friends, and I loved hearing some of the crazy stories 5 or 6 times and seeing the smiles it brought to his face.

In the last 9 months, I feel like this group has gotten to know ME.  Gotten to know me as Stacie Mac, and not just John’s wife.  I apparently don’t have a small personality, and am blessed to be included in things just as I was before.  Not that I think they were gonna just ditch me… but I suppose you never know!  I mean, I have been told that ending our friendship is one friends new years resolution!  #howareweevenfriends   I am blessed to get to spend time with these friends.  I also love that I have been able to make new friends, friends that knew John for a short time, and friends that I have met since he passed, and only get to hear stories about how amazing he was.  My life has been nothing short of a shit show for the last 9 months, and it is comforting to me to get to share a part of myself, and my crazy life with some pretty amazing people.

I find that I have somehow taken on some of John’s personality.  Ask me a question, you will get an honest answer.  Sometimes there will be sugar coating, but most times not.  I put things out there, that maybe I wouldn’t have previously.  Maybe I share too much at times, sorry about your luck.  Its all part of me trying to settle into my new life.  A new chapter.  A new beginning.  It’s sometimes terrifying, even as time passes.  I talked with a good friend of my mother in law’s last week, and she said to me, “God’s got big plans for you, kid.”  Yes, yes He does, a new adventure awaits, around a corner somewhere.  A new adventure that I will take as Stacie Mac, and not as John’s wife.  Let’s just hope this new adventure is one that doesn’t require me to be strong enough to bench press a Buick.

 

SPOILER ALERT:  This one doesn’t end well.   On January 6, 2016, John was admitted at the University of Chicago.  He would be inpatient for about 3 weeks, so we had rented an apartment about a mile from the hospital as we were required to stay nearby for 100 days post transplant.  He started chemo to rid his bone marrow, and then on January 14th, he received the first bag of Cathys stem cells, with a cord blood chaser.  Only special people get to have one re-birthday, but REAL special people think they need a second re-birthday!  Its pretty amazing how what takes 6 hours to harvest, takes only 10 minutes to infuse.  For those wondering, the actual transplant itself is pretty anticlimactic!  John wound up with RSV while he was inpatient, so he was placed in a negative pressure room so he could keep his cooties to himself.  Visitors had to wear a mask and gown as to not spread the virus to the other patients.   U of C actually now has FORTY transplant beds!  John being John signed up for a study in which he could have gotten a real treatment, or a placebo drug.   That’s the thing about him.   He ALWAYS thought about what he could do to help others who were also sick, or those in the future.  Ironically, he ended up being discharged after transplant on January 31st.  4 years to the day of when he start chemo for round 1!  (yeah, I have a thing with dates)  About a week later we ended up back at the hospital for a fever, and what ended up being an infection landing him in the ICU.  It was pretty scary, because we went from the general oncology side of the floor to the transplant side, and within 10 minutes, there was about 15 people in his room, pumping him with fluids, and shipping him to the ICU.   I wasn’t sure what to think, but where the hell is my xanax!  (yes, I function b/c I have been medicated for years!!)

Once John was about 60 days post transplant he was feeling like getting out and about.  We made a trip into the city on a windy day (weird for Chicago) and saw the bean and got a Starbucks.  We drove around to many of the places where John Hughes movies were filmed, or went to a mall just to get a little exercise, and get him out of the apartment.  As we approached day +100, we got to come home for “a day”   Clearly John wanted to push it, and we stayed home for two nights before driving back up for his clinic appointment.  A bunch of friends were out in Olivers garage watching baseball, and I will never forget the looks on their faces when we walked in.  We hadn’t told anyone that we were heading home…….I just remember shouting “be gentle, don’t hug him!!, he still has a central line”  A central line that you could nearly jump rope with!  Ha!  April 22, on day +99, we got to move home for good, but were still required to go to Chicago for weekly appointments.

Between the time living in Chicago, and the times we had to drive up for clinic visits, and the additional hospitalizations, I drove to Chicago 40 times that year.   That doesn’t include the trips that Tom made with him.  John ended up with Graft vs Host disease in the form of a rash, and then GVHD of the gut.  I found it funny that when he had the rash, they did a small biopsy in clinic and put a stitch in it.   But when he had a bone marrow biopsy about 2 hours prior, they just slap some gauze over it.  The dermatologist who did the skin biopsy asked if he wanted me to hold his hand.   Ummm no thanks, those bear paws will crush me!  Anyway, about a month later he ended up testing positive for influenza.  They treated him with multiple medications over the course of roughly four months.  He spent Thanksgiving in the hospital, but insisted that I come home to spend the day with my family.  I did that, and then crashed the Thanksgiving at the Martins, which we now joke that its not a holiday unless I show up!  He was released to come home a few days after, but he was so super weak we had to have several friends come over to help get him into the house…..he sat in a lawn chair, and the guys carried him inside.  A few days later, after a call to Dr G’s office and texting the nurse some pics of johns horribly swollen legs, we were told to go back to Chicago.  I took the call from the clinic down in the basement, and immediately started sobbing.  It was so bad that the nurse started crying with me before Dr G took the phone from her.  He explained that us being with the transplant team was the best thing for us to do, and that he thought if he could help John, that he would do it.  I went back upstairs still sobbing and John asked what was wrong.   I said “we have to go back to U of C” and his reply, through tears of his own, was “Christ, I thought someone died, don’t do that to me.”

Upon his discharge from that U of C visit, he went to a “rehab” facility, which in Peoria is a nursing home.  He spent about 2 weeks in that shithole and I collaborated with both Dr G and Dr B via a direct line to the bat phone.  We were there until Christmas day, when he was so sick, he couldn’t keep food down, and was very weak.   We went to the hospital after having the nursing staff call for an ambulance.  He was admitted straight to the ICU.  After the holiday, I was able to talk to the nurse in Chicago, and John was transferred back to Chicago, by HELICOPTER!  I frantically packed and drove to Chicago and when I arrived, John said, “Well, you made good time”   Uh, yeah, I had made the trip so many times, I could drive it in my sleep, and lets be real, I’m not a good driver by any means!  While I HATED the time we had to spend at U of C, I am beyond grateful for the care he received there.  The staff was AMAZING, and I was always recognized by the nursing staff when we were there.  When John was admitted to the ICU, one of the charge nurses stopped down to see him and tell John they are sending us good vibes from upstairs.  Dr B is the most amazing Dr.  He always stopped in to see John, even when he wasn’t on service, and I mean, who gives a patient their cell phone number?

After spending 22 days in ICU, I was preparing to leave to head home for a couple days, as my mom was going to come the next morning to stay with him.  He hadn’t been eating much for the entire time he was in ICU.  He was very week and sleeping a good bit of the time.  He had been getting very sad when I would leave at night, and didn’t want me to go,  He had made comments that I can’t even recall, which is crazy since I can remember seemingly everything.  The night I was planning to head home, he had what I can only describe as an episode.  It was by far the most frightening time of my life.  Remember how he had been sent to ICU before?   Yeah, this was 10 times worse.   One of the drs took me to the waiting area so that they could do some testing.  I called both sets of parents and they packed bags and came to Chicago.  It seemed like an eternity… the only thing that kept me sane was Sherrie.  My go to in every situation.  My safe zone.  She just understands things like nobody else.  I talked to her, sobbing, and waiting.   Waiting for parents to get there, waiting to hear from a doctor.  We left the hospital at 3 am, and were all back by 8 or 9 the next morning.  We talked with the doc who had been following him during his time in ICU.  Ultimately, had they not intervened the night of the episode, John wouldn’t have made it.  Our parents wouldn’t have gotten to talk to him, or hold his hand before he let go.  His last communication with me was when he had my mom come get me from the waiting area.  He pointed at me, and gave me a thumbs up.  Yes, I was going to be ok.  A little over 24 hours later, he took his last comfortable breath with us all in the room with him.   It is the absolute most miserable 3 days of my life.  With that being said, I live my life with no regret.   I know, with no uncertainty, that he fought as hard as he could, and when he couldn’t fight, I fought for him.

This post by far is the most difficult to type.  This blog is therapeutic for me.  I want people to know John’s story.  I know its somewhat “raw”, but this is my life.  I’m a 37 year old widow, who lost my very best friend, my best drinking buddy, and yeah, I’m gonna say my soulmate, far too soon.   I thank God every day for the time that I had with John, and the people who are in my life because of John.  I have the most amazing support system, and most of them are because of John.   I mean, EVERYBODY LOVED JOHNNY MAC!  I can’t imagine what my life would be like had John not been in it.   He made an impression on everyone he met, lived life to the fullest, sick or not.  He was 100% go big or go home in everything, including cancer.  And lets remember, he did marry me, and I feel like I’m a pretty good catch!  Who else would plan a St Patricks day wedding and allow, no request, green beer?  With this being said, I miss him every day, and still find myself wanting to text him when something funny happens, or maybe when i drive by the tye dye tent.   When did they move to Pekin?   Is there a better customer base on 8th St than in Creve Coeur?

 

 

We started 2015 with a bang.  John was back to work, and we were slowly sliding into normal.  Then, he got a cough…. the dreaded cough.  “sometimes a cough is just a cough” they said.  Not with John.  Captain go big or go home was at it again.  His cough wasn’t caused by his lungs this time, but rather fluid building around his lungs.  We made several trips to the hospital to have fluid drained via thoracentesis procedure.  At the same time that this was all happening, John’s dad Tom was admitted to the hospital for what we later found out was bladder cancer.  I actually drove John home from his procedure, hit a drive thru, and went back to the hospital to sit with Cathy while Tom was in procedure.  It’s bad enough to fear that your husband has relapsed, but its even worse to have to tell him that his father has cancer as well.  (Tom is perfectly fine now!)  According to the picture above, apparently March 12 was when we got the relapse news.  If only Eric would have kept the Nickelback tickets that he had won……..because John had registered him in a radio contest!!  Bahahahahaha

Round three is what changed me the most.  I am thankful that his treatment didn’t make him sick, and we were able to spend some time at his Adult Disneyland, Las Vegas.  We ate at nearly all the places he wanted to, and I won some serious coin.  #bigwinner  What made the biggest impact on me was that about a month into Johns treatment, I got a phonecall from a good friend.   A PHONECALL.  We didn’t talk often at the time, but when we did it was via text.  Pretty sure we had only called about important stuff…. When we got engaged, and both times she was pregnant.  I will never forget how she told me.   “We have something in common…..we are pretty sure my husband has lymphoma”  WHAAATTTT?!?!?  How can this be happening?  Is this real?  I know she was thrown off, because they were going through the McDonalds drive through, and she never fed her kids McDonalds.  It is so crazy, but I almost went into caretaker mode for her.   Here’s what you need to know…. and I gave her a list of testing that would be done.  They went to the same clinic that we did, and were familiarized with all of the staff.  He did have lymphoma, and was able to compare some notes with John.  As crazy as it sounds, I am blessed that this awful situation brought us closer together.  We have both talked each other off a ledge more times than can be counted, or maybe just listened when each other needed to vent.  Now we think its been a whole year if we haven’t seen each other/talked or text in a week!  Some of my very favorite hashtags came out of this.   #lymphomaisaloser #Ihatestinkypetecancer and #lymphomawives (forever!)  (Also, her husband has been in the clear for almost 2 years!!)

With this relapse…. John was treatable, but not necessarily curable.  He would be on maintenance chemo forever.  At his 6 month scan, everything that was on his previous scan was either completely gone, or was shrinking.  However, he had new lesions….on his liver.  LIVER…that nearly screams death sentence when vital organs are effected.  Dr G had given us some treatment options, and even used the white board printer thingy-ma jig that is in the exam room.  (We always wanted to see that thing in action!) Options included several drugs that we could potentially get from the drug companys, as our insurance wouldn’t cover drugs that weren’t FDA approved.  Our favorite nurse handed John a clipboard with the paperwork as we sat in the waiting area.  She said “don’t look at me, just sign were I put the X.”   She was visibly upset for us, and gave us her famous, most rough hug ever and sent us on our way.

We again were referred back to University of Chicago.  We got hooked up with Dr. B, the transplant dr.   This time, John would require a donor transplant.  75% chance there will be a 10/10 donor they said.  Ha!  Dr B clearly didn’t know John well….yet!  With no match in the database, we were given the option of a haplo cord transplant.  Ya see, we have no kids, he had no siblings, so the next best match was a parent at a 50% match.  They explained that they would harvest a parents cells via a central line, and then infuse them into John, with a cord blood chaser.

A few things YOU should know:

A) Sign up to be a bone marrow donor!  It is SO easy to register, and as long as they are harvesting only stem cells, actually donating is relatively painless.   I’ll just leave the website here     http://www.bethematch.org

B) If you are still of child birthing age, consider either KEEPING your cord blood, or DONATING it, so that lives like John’s can be saved!   If a had a link for that, I would drop it here.

Prior to the transplant, John took his famous BBQ trip, where he basically ate BBQ til his gut completely rotted.  We also took a trip to Kansas City, where we ate more BBQ, and visited his best friend, and his uncle’s family.  The drug that rid him of the cancer this time, was FDA approved about 6 months after John was finished taking it!!