#StraightGrief

Grief.   Grief is an asshole.   One annoying SOB (give me a drank!).  Grief is a rollercoaster  that seemingly has no end.  I hate it.   I hate that it has so many ups and downs, and that it makes you feel terrible.   So terrible, that if you know me….you know it is past my bedtime when I am starting this entry.  I, however, don’t see myself falling asleep until these tears stop coming out of my eyes for NO APPARENT REASON!  So, here I am, spilling it in the ugliest form….with a side of alien face.  (that’s a picture for ya!)

This roller coaster started slow.   A complete stop to my world really.  Numb.   I had no feelings, other than some form of shock.  I knew he was ready, but I wasn’t.  Nobody was, really.  The following weeks were tough as I saw people who loved John just as much, or more than I did.   I spent months drown in medical bills, cancelling credit cards, finding his 401K, selling a car…blah, blah.   I was going through the motions of getting back to real life, while dealing with annoying tasks.  Tasks that needed to be completed in a somewhat timely fashion, but kept me occupied.  After unplugging for a bit, reality set in, and I couldn’t handle everyday stress anymore.   I HAD to do something to help me.   Hence, the crazy pills.   NO, I don’t think you are legit crazy if you need to be medicated.   Its totally normal to be honest.  Life is hard, and as strong as whiskey might be, sometimes you need to chase the pill with the whiskey.   (ok, maybe don’t really do that, but you get the idea).

At the six month mark…. I felt like it was a measurable amount of time.   The timing made the grief feel different.  It took me right about that long to get rid of the electric tooth brush that was sitting on the bathroom vanity.  I looked at it every day….but it only got moved when the bathroom was cleaned.  Something about a time frame makes you reflect on what has happened in that time.   SIX MONTHS….like, whoa.   How should I feel?  Was the way I felt normal?  It was the middle of summer, and there was SO much to do.   Swimming, cookouts, baseball….stuff I hadn’t done much of in previous summers.  I was occupied…but the grief was still there in some form.  I mean, THAT was six months ago…..

Fast forward to the holidays.   I was totally fine for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve.  The firsts were over last year since I spent those days without John.   Did I think about what would have been done or said if he were here?  OF COURSE   But for some reason, I didn’t feel grief-stricken, or sad on those days.   I enjoyed the time spent with friends and family, just as I have always done, even before John was in my life.  Perhaps his mom’s illness has kept me occupied, or more-so distracted.  Who knows?!  Oh, wait….

Here I am tonight….crying for no reason.   Is it that measurable amount of time?  We are quickly approaching a year.  One Year.   A WHOLE FREAKING YEAR.  It’s almost as though its something that should be celebrated.   A year of marriage would be.   Another year older is celebrated to a certain point.  A year of being cancer free.  Hell, Facebook reminds you of what happened on this day last year.  Perhaps that’s what has hit me.   Maybe its that I have cleaned out some things here.   Maybe it’s because I read a whole boat load of his Facebook posts last night.  (ok, I scrolled on past ALOT of the damn Biden memes).  Maybe I’m just reflecting on what he would have done with this last year?  On the things that he’s missed.  I’m sure I would have caught hell from him with my crazy tan lines.  I probably would have made it to at least one more concert.   He would have been by my side for my Momaw’s funeral, and probably would have made me visit her more often before her passing.  I know it would have killed him to see his mom going through what she has over the past few months, but I know he would be proud of me for helping them.   You can bet your ass he and Rob would have hashed out a BBQ business name in one lunch date, and Robs smoker would probably have more bells and whistles due to John’s crazy ideas.

The horrible thing about grief is that it sneaks up when you aren’t really expecting it.  Will things be different just because its been a year?  Only in the fact that it sounds more measurable.  A year is a LONG time.  I just need to remind myself that grief ain’t the boss of me.  Yes, it got to me tonight….but I call the shots up in here.  I choose happy.   I Just Keep Livin.  I need to remember to be thankful that I AM stronger than a fifth of whiskey.  If I wasn’t strong…I would spend more days overcome by the grief….and that’s just not how I roll.  And with that, I shall dry my tears, blow my nose, and attempt to get a good night of sleep while remembering things that make me laugh.

A Good Laugh And A Long Sleep Are the Two Best Cures For Anything ~ Irish Proverb